You know you're on to something when the famous players start stealin' your licks!

Notice how Terry Lawless is 'casually' filming Jim Alfredson and saying to himself, "That's how you do that!"

Old School Bars

God, I miss bars like this: vinyl everywhere, easy and comfortable to sit at (yeah, I'm digging at high style bar tables and really strange seats - and I like modern furniture as much as the next guy but, seriously, some of these stools make me want to go grab an axe).  Sure, it's super cheesy now, but it's cozy to sit under plastic covered plants that don't require watering - or dusting, evidently - and I doubt that most carpenters these days (at least the ones that I can afford) could even built an overhang like that.

As for the drinking, your choice for wine is either white or red.  Got that, pal?  If you're drinking beer, then's it's one draft coming up!  Hell, in those days, we were all too tired from laying brick or fixing that steel railroad bridge to spend ten minutes reading over a damn three page wine and beer list anyway.

Oh, this one is at Roma's Pizza on Franklin Boulevard, Sacramento, California.

And they thought we were crazy.

Remember when the rest of the U.S. said that California was the Land of Fruits and Nuts?  Looks to me like the GOP has that title from now on.  Listening to Texans on NPR yesterday continue to doubt Obama's legitimacy as President since we 'still haven't seen the birth certificate' is all I need to hear to confirm that we on the glorious West Coast are now the sane ones.

It's been a while since I've posted and much of that time can be attributed to the INSANE amount of hoops Google made me jump through in order to log back in.  If you think the State of California has troubles with simplifying things, they ain't got nothin' on these guys.  So much for billions of dollars making things simple.  Hell, Cosmo - that's him, above - could design a simpler method for re-activating an account and he works for carrots!

Trump proves the Left was right!

On behalf of millions of left wingers everywhere, I would like to make the following public service announcement: "We told you so!"

Now that the Birthers and, for that matter, most of the conservative population, has been proven to be conspiratorial idiots, hopefully people will stop listening to anything they have to say.

Thank you, Donald Trump. I officially forgive your hair.

Bonds Guilty! Mirror, mirror on the wall...

So what if he lied? I don't know one person who could stand before any judge or jury (or their friends and family for that matter) and honestly say that they haven't done at least one of these: told a lie, rolled through a stop sign, exceeded the speed limit, cheated on taxes or their spouse or significant other, lied to their parents, slipped in late for work and didn't dock their time card. We're all hypocrites and just can't admit it to yourselves and you know it. It's easy to sit here in almost complete anonymity and post a scathing Bonds condemnation. But, try to live up to your own words and you'll fall flat on your face, much to the enjoyment of the rest of the world who clearly are waiting for the next victim to pounce upon.

Anyway, I'm calling in sick and driving over to my mistress' place in my state-subsidized foreign auto, using her neighbors guest parking permit to avoid getting a ticket in that '2 Hour' only zone, to have my Cuban cigar, a Stoli martini and then have non-missionary style, forbidden sex while listening to my favorite Gothic Death Metal band on my office's Mac Book Pro. Gotta go. See ya!

Twitter Attack Victims Get Their Life Back

Millions of Twitter and Facebook users unexpectedly regained temporary control of their lives as the result of a distribute denial-of-service (DDoS) attack that brought traffic on these sites to a standstill. Although the attacks were apparently targeting one man, a Georgian activist, known by the online handle Cyxymu, who uses blogs and social media sites like Twitter and Facebook to express views related to the tensions between Russia and Georgia, the end result was millions of - at first - disgruntled users. It didn't take long for for them to realize that a major paradigm shift had occurred.

With this new windfall of freedom, Facebook's "Friends," and users of Twitter, "Tweeters" as they are often called, suddenly realized that not only were their lives not over but were actually enhances by the situation. Johnny Rockpile of Sacramento, California expressed his joy at the discovery this way: "I didn't think it was possible to sit down and have a drink with my friends without telling my three followers what I was doing. But now, my real friends and I can talk to each other about sports and our girlfriends without having to use my thumbs. Wow! Who knew?"

Although businesses which rely upon Twitter's network for the distribution to clients were severely affected by the attacks, economists agreed that most of these businesses weren't making any money anyway, so the impact was largely minor on the economy in general with several industry leaders admitting that maybe they will now look for real jobs that make meanful contributions to society. Donny Draxton of Colorado admitted as much by explaining that he really only started his "Follow This Dollar Bill," online business site as a way to "spend less time with his family and more 'garage time.' It was working out great until this happened, although I spent more on beer than I ever did on buying that used server and a couple of USB cables."

Perhaps the greatest beneficiaries, especially in this troubling economy, were IT professionals, who suddenly experienced a boon in what has been a lackluster business cycle. Although PC sales have been slow, internet security specialist have been busier than ever and the Twitter/Facebook attacks have done nothing but bolster the growing demand to ensure that our "friend requests" never slow down. Entrepreneurially enclined programmers now realize that by dividing their time between creating these attacks and by then resolving them, they'll now be able to ride out this economic downturn until the next boom cycle arrives.

One unfortunate side affect has been the renewed use of actual cell phone calls, along with the annoying "ring tones" and one-sided conversions, many of them loud beyond disbelief, that often accompany them. This trend is deemed temporary and is expected to return to a "honey, can you bring home some milk" traffic pattern immediately following Twitter and Facebook regaining full use of their networks.

Sara Palin is still out of touch.

Letterman's job is to be entertaining and edgy - after all, he pioneered that style of TV entertainment. Sara's job is to stay in front of the press. So for those of you who didn't know that, let me now clarify: He did his job correctly and she, unfortunately, is still doing hers. Anyone who cares deeply about this subject, including any of the Palins, are clearly out of touch with modern day media and politics. Letterman and his staff are all smart enough to know that you don't make sex jokes about minors, and the joke was still funny if you're not a stuck-up, self-important conservative lacky. Come on, people. You need to get over the small stuff and suck-up to being a mature adult that can take some minor (pun intended) flack. Jeez, Louise. Back to my coffee and donuts.

Stop Crying Over the Price of Airfare.

Hey! You don't have to fly anywhere. You can spend the holidays at home and call your friends and relatives, just like in the old days. You can always visit in that far off time called January or February. And frankly, it's pretty easy to get some vacation time that time of year, except you'd have no idea 'cause it never occurred to you to go visit at any other time other than Thanksgiving or Christmas. Has it ever crossed your mind that the rest of the family may not want to travel during all that hustle and bustle? You bet it has. So, stay home and relax: do some baking, visit your friends who are in town. Read a book to your children. Or like in our house, keep working on just the right amounts of each ingredient in the perfect margarita. It really can be that easy. Go figure!

A Cocktail Is Born-The Gringo De' Beaner!

It's just another Sunday, (well, OK, it's November 5th-write this date down in you cocktail manual), and the boss and I are headed out for a couple of quick ones at the Dead Rock Stars Happy Hour at The Monkey Bar, located in trendy midtown Sacramento, CA. Turns out most of the guys we hear on the jukebox are still living and only occationally do we notice a dead guy singing or doing a solo. We've decided not to pursue it this time around because we're on a mission: create a new alcholic beverage, one that NAFTA would be proud of. Sam McKinney (I did mention he's my boss, right?) has got the name for his new concoction, but the actual mix needed to be narrowed down, not an easy task since he's trying to make the first Mexican/American libation. Eddie, our bartender for the evening, was willing to pour us what we needed; Sam had just got paid and the large bills were burning a hole in his pocket. Me? I was there for my years of experience in cocktail field research. So, we threw down the quantlet, along with several gin and tonics to help us get started. So, what exactly do you put in the first Mexican/American cocktail? This much we know: it's got to have tequila! The next booze choice had to be an American drink and frankly, there really isn't that many to choose from; Rye Whiskey or Bourbon. We decided to go high-end, starting out with a shot of Woodbridge Bourbon. Smooth and silky, it goes down easy by itself, so it should prove to be perfect as a base for our drink and we were absolutely right. Petron was the natural choice for the tequila, itself a thing of beauty and one of the best tequila shooters around. To jazz it up, we decided to add Creme de Menthe, but too much of a good thing turned out to be just that, so another try at the mix put us with a ratio of one shot each of tequila and bourbon, a float of Creme de Menth, and then the next decision was the mixer; soda? Collins? Coke? Hey! Coke always sounds good when your thirsty, so we gave it a go. Once again, too much of a good thing turned out just awful. It was almost painful having to dump all that expensive booze down the sink, but I'm pretty sure The Monkey Bar wasn't going to need to call a plumber to clear any clogged drains that night! Instead, we finished it off with just a splash of coke, garnished it with a red maraschino cherry and, Ouila!, we now had our cocktail: The Gringo De' Beaner!

So, in short, start off with a highball full of ice and have the following ready:

High-end bourbon (Woodbridge this time around).
Petron Tequila.
Creme de Menthe
Coca-Cola.
Red maraschino cherries.

Pour one shot each of bourbon and tequila,
Float about a quarter shot of creme de menthe over a spoon,
Just a splash of Coke, and
Top it off with a cherry.
Drink Up!

Sacramento D.U.I. Checkpoints

Isn't it interesting that the Sacramento Police set-up their latest D.U.I. check-point on Franklin Blvd. about a 1/2 mile south of Curtis Park, where the neighborhood income levels drop significantly, and somewhere along Curtis Park where they can snag some of our more wealthy citizens along with the remaining drunken population. Maybe they should put a check-point on Sutterville Road, that way those folks who are returning home to Land Park or Hollywood Park would have a chance at some jail-time, increased insurance rates and less money in their checkbooks. Did I mention that if you turn off the road before the check-point, even if it happens to be one leading to your street, that they can pull you over for possible averting the check-point? I know our streets need to have less drunk drivers on them, but surely we can be a little more fair and balanced in the placement of these inspections locations.

City of Sacramento vs. Liquor Stores

It's time for some real science in regards to crime, poverty and the relationship of corner grocery stores which sell booze. The article in the Sacramento Bee had taken in to account the number of stores in several geographic areas, and the number of crimes permitted within a specific distance from said stores, but why no mention of population density? The maps in the paper seemed to indicated that where there were fewer store locations, the number of crimes in that area was significantly lower. However, the maps also seemed to indicate a decline in population density. I also find it telling that no mention of local major grocery distributors, such as Raleys, Safeway and Albertsons were targeted as trouble makers. Why not just pass loitering legislation and make the local police and sheriff departments enforce it? If our government really wanted to rid our neighborhoods of problem corner-grocery stores, they should have put in to place a system to prevent the change-of-ownership. This would have alleviated at least one store and possibly a couple of others. They could also require owners to post security personnel outside the premises to deter crime. Using eminent domain to quell problems like this doesn't seem fair to new business owners, and the lack of city notification during the exchange process is simply unfair. If the city is going to allow you to buy a business and then immediately attempt to shut you down without ever bothering to tell you that was its intention from the start, there should be a significant grace period allowing you to try to fix the problem they are attempting to solve by shutting you down.

Levees and the Sacramento Bee

Why is that the Sacramento Bee has had several articles regarding the dangers of the Sacramento/California levee system, yet when there is an actual levee breach-like the one that occurred in Sonoma and forced the temporary closure of route 121, it wasn't front-page news?
Certainly, our local paper can do better than this, don't you think?

Intelligent Design 1 - Bush 0

Knock it off already!

For those of you who are clueless: yes, I know there's a problem with my photo and my staff is trying to work it out with the legal departments of the various entities involved. And anyone who is privy to inside JBGDCI info can tell you that computer technology and Johnny B. just don't work that well together. So, to make things short-we're working on it.

Ugh!

Do not EVER make bloody marys using vanilla vodka. Absolutely disgusting. Not Stoli-icious at all.

The blame game: what I did wrong prior/during/after Katrina.

1). Johnny Baller: My failure to write my congressman about not doing enough to shore-up our levy system. Yep, I live in Sacramento, California and we are surrounded by 'em.

2). Residents in any area susceptible to a disaster (that's all of us): Believing that everything would be fine in a disaster because the gov't will take care of me.

3). The Media, who just didn't get it (most of us): looting is perfectly acceptable behavior if you are stealing supplies because your life depends on it. And, for all our experience in reporting horrible things happening around the globe, not using our initial airtime to get the message across: stuff like "get out now, how to get out, where to go, etc."

4). FEMA: acting like we never saw a hurricane before. A little preparation is a bad thing.

5). George W. Bush: Once again, prior to discussing important shit on TV, I still don't understand the levity of the events unfolding around me and can goof-off and make stupid jokes either before or during the televising; others would be stoic, crying, or adamant about getting something done. Think "inspiration", not teleprompter.

6). George's parents: we shouldn't go on TV and talk about poor people-it just makes us look arrogant and ignorant of what they are going through.

7). Stop reading this post and instead, click on my ASPCA link and help save someone's pet. It may be the only family someone has.

Re-Train America! Part One.

The premise is this: our nation, in its search for ways to stimulate the economy, foster more efficient and effective systems of transportation, and gradually yet systematically remove ourselves from dependence on an oil based-industrial revolution style lifestyle, is simply going about it the wrong way. My solution is elegant in its simplicity, effective merely by its application, and perfectly timed for $3 a gallon gasoline. We need to return to an economy where both product and people are moved not by automobile, but by railroad.

Over the course of several posts, I'm going to outline how we can do it, why we should do it and what you can do to help get it done. Disclaimer: post will not be consecutive and may be over take several weeks (I have other shit to do, you know). Plus, it's not like this is going to happen anytime soon (I may be optimistic, but I'm no fool).

So, now is the time to start thinking "trains," and literally, we just may get this thing rolling...

Wal-mart To the Rescue? Come On, Bill Gates!

Looks like I almost have to start shopping at Wal-mart again. It's a sad day when-and let's face it, this is exactly what they are-a convenience store outperforms the U.S. Government by leaps and bounds during a national emergency of catastrophic proportions. 20 million dollars in aid, 1500 trucks moving supplies to those in need and I still haven't heard Bush thank them once.

So, yeah, although they forced a few (O.K., tons of) local mom-and-pop businesses to close, created local gridlock, and refuse to provide decent benefits to insane employees who somehow still find praise for the wonders of Wal-mart, they certainly kick-ass as a disaster relief agency. Walmart, it turns out, is a true American patriot. Who would of guessed it?

And speaking of patriots, I'm throwing down the gauntlet at the feet of Bill Gates, the number one man at Microsoft. Bill, you have so much money, you could single-handedly rebuild all of New Orleans by yourself; your place in history would be carved in stone (literally, in highly polished granite, somewhere in the town itself should you rise to the occasion) as the man who rebuilt America's Cajun Headquarters and as the PC Emperor of the planet. For the record, I am fully aware the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is a philothropic powerhouse. I just though I'd throw this out there 'cause giving feels so good.

Obese People More Likely To Survive Hurricanes Due To Buoyancy, Declares FEMA